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May 15, 2018

I’m screaming into a vaccum.  

Never have I been one to be okay with not being in control. Making changes and taking opportunities puts you in a place where you are waiting on others to decide for you. It is nearly intolerable. The only solace is the expectation that something great, greater than you could have done on your, will come from this. Somehow though, it is almost worse knowing that you have control. 

Do you ever feel like your progress is nothing more than dumb luck? That the obsessive effort, sleepless nights, near breakdowns, and overwhelming work loads are something that you somehow conjured. The results would have always been the same, you just made the path harder on yourself? I look at where I am at and wonder if it is possible that  I did  thisDid I actually accomplish something? Or, did I just make my own life so hard that getting here felt like a marathon? 

The circles I go in are digging moats in my mind. 

More than anything, I worry that this is truly the result of my hard work and dedication. Then, if I were to fail in the future, I would be the one throwing away everything that I have done. It is apparent that if I have the ability to build myself up this far, I have the ability to tear it down. I have the ability to completely level everything I have made. Not only that, but dismantling my life would be so much easier than it was putting it together.  

 

Sensory

There are not names or faces for those that I write to. There are eyes on screens. Fingertips reaching.  

The end of my day seems to routinely culminate in exhaustion and aching awareness of each footstep taken. The last moments of active consciousness are typically spent planning the footsteps for tomorrow & the rest of the week. Subtle anxieties swirl in tune with my breath. Am I superficial? Am I manipulative? Am I too eager? Of course, alone here, I muster up the most change-provoking answer I can. Then, I imagine an immediate change in course. 

Today has been incredibly quantitative. 

Numbers exhibit a sense of preciseness. Something sharp and exact. Something that slices your hands as your grip gets right. Today showed me no dull edges. I've stayed engaged to the most of my abilities and that says something. You can't close your eyes when you are at risk of being shredded to pieces. 

Drafts of Me

It has been a while and I am sorry for that. My writing does not serve as just a place for others to possibly find a common ground, but for me, myself to find some sort of grip on the flurry of thoughts that consume my conscious days. 

Even now, as I open a new draft on my blog, I am reminded of the drafts that have yet to be completed since June. Maybe this one won't make it any further either. 

To describe my state of mind in the last few months, the allusion of merry-go-rounds come to fruition. My point in the world is fixed and rotating at the same time. And the world is spinning at a different rate. Everything moves slow and fast at the same time. This makes trying to focus on anything bring on an overwhelming sense of nausea. Not to mention, the lights are bright and colorful and changing- causing storms to erupt in the back of my brain. The laughter and music and conversation around me becomes a muddled groan. 

My instant reaction- Close your eyes. Shut them tight and hide your head. 

It is more than being overwhelmed. It is edging on assault. Every time I am open to it, life hits a crescendo that causes me to recoil. Sick to my stomach. Then, I leave it unedited and unfinished. Now, I have these moments chronologically listed and highlighted with a label that reads 'DRAFT'. Otherwise, unidentified. Possibly to be continued. 

Emotional

Yoga Sutra 2.10: The subtle states of the afflictions (Desire, Aversion & Fear) are destroyed with the dissolution of the mind. 

I would not say that I am the type to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I definitely attract and cling to many emotions. I am an emotional lint-roller, perhaps. 

Emotions consume. They have needs and wants and they take what they require out of you an even a bit more to sustain themselves. When you place good feelings toward something, you want more and more of it. You grow in your desires and form a sense of greed. When you associate something with bad emotions, you shy away from it. It gets abandoned and you choose to starve yourself of it or even become scared of it.

In myself, I see a teeter-totter of emotional pull keeping me unsteady. I build attachments and expectations before I even experience. My view on the world is not naive, but more so child-like. Everything is colors and textures. I know what I want, but not always does the world feel or look like the ideas in my mind's eye. Emotional response is the only fall-back that makes immediate sense. From here, I am impulsive. This is a quality of an existence vested in the physical plane. A place where the body is an extension of the mind. 

True contentment comes from acknowledging the entire existence. Understanding the need to separate the body, mind and self; but also see them as the present. Contentment is being okay with what ever may. Not holding onto the things we can see or feel as if they are absolute. Contentment opens the door for experience. 

Right and Wrong

Today I had a random thought. (What is new?) I was thinking things that we classify as right and wrong. For the longest time, I have tried not to think of anything as right or wrong. Yet, fundamentally, I feel as if there is a distinction that must be addressed.

***As a disclaimer, I do not feel as if I have the authority to place my morals on another and declare their actions as falling into one category or another.***

There is definitely cause and there is definitely effect. Every action that is made has an effect. As we set intentions for the day, or even in a moment, our actions forward must coincide with that intention or else the desired effect will not be met. To that distinction, there is a value that is put on the actions we make. If it does not match the intention that we have set, then it is not the correct action. Likewise, if it does fall in line, then it is correct. Here, we have right and wrong. 

These values are set by ourselves. They are not meant to be judgments toward one another. They are meant to be evaluations of our actions in accordance with the standards we have set. 

Just something I was thinking about. Anyway. How are you?