fight or flight

May 24, 2018

There is a lot going on in my life. There is always a lot and that is typically how I like it. But this is different from the usual. This is an avalanche and I am packed under the settled snow. 

My body is in survival-mode. I can’t feel pain or exhaustion. I also cannot move. Not even an inch.  There is a darkness that does not go away. Really, the only thing I feel is the intense fear that comes with a rush of adrenaline. My fight or flight response is on with flashing lights. There is an overwhelming need to get up and just run until my lungs explode. Until my heart stops and my vision goes grey. Until there is nothing left and I fall off of the edge of nowhere. 

When I cannot run, I get ready for the fight. I pull into myself. I am nothing my skin and teeth and nails. I am efficient. Observant. The anticipation is more than a need to get it over. It is more of a craving for contact. I know pain is coming and that I am surrounded and all I have to do is make contact to make it stop.