The last few days or weeks, (its hard to tell as time runs together when you are exhausted) I can feel a decline in my personal health and happiness. My immunity has been low at best and my stomach is constantly in knots. This coupled with ebbing exhaustion, despite the amount of anxious sleep I get, has me unhinged.
I am swimming through murky waters.
This is a training weekend for my 200 hr certification as a Registered Yoga Teacher. These weekends always seem to put me in perspective. I imagine it is like what going to a church sermon is for some. Having discussion on schools of thought and learning about something that I can conceive as 'right' is therapeutic. We talk about the respect we must have for our bodies and our human condition. We talk about the respect we must have for others existing in the same plain. We talk about respecting tradition. Even when we are going through asana and just holding a posture, I feel lessons of diligence being etched into my bones and imprinted on my muscles.
Diligence. That is what I lack. It is all too easy to let passions wain. I get caught up in things that are superficial to my overall being and let that side of me diminish. There is so much to be had when one is diligent in their efforts.
Talking to a girl that is similar to me in passions, I realized something myself. We were talking about the over-arching need to gain something from an experience, yet not feeling the change in self once the experience has been had. Both of us can clearly see that we need change and continuously make linear efforts to achieve this change. Yet, we have no idea what the change is. Then what? What do you do when you know there is something to be done? Seeing myself and seeing the efforts I have taken to do the things I want to do and be the person I want to be, I realize that I am doing exactly what I need to do (Geez, what a mouth full) I feel frazzled because I am moving in all directions trying to get to a singular point. Instead I should be acknowledging that there is no single point. My efforts are placed exactly where they need to be, as I am working to become an expansive being. My mind craves knowledge on everything there is to offer. Why not pursue that? Telling myself that I have to pick one thing when I could potentially have it all is a disservice to my existence.
Telling myself I am going about my efforts in the wrong way, I have tried to adjust and accommodate to some type of rigid path that does not allow me to grow any larger than I am. Keeping myself small, I have not been able to reach any type of clarity. Diligence is my new mantra. If there is ever a time to just go my way, it is now. Right now, my way is many ways. With diligence, I will get there.