Weather the Weather

weather

[weth-er]

to bear up against and come safely through (a storm, danger, trouble,etc.)

Slowly reciting incantations in our childhood home. Wishes and dreams and spells and hexes. Creating a blockade again the storm inside. Boarding up the windows to reduce the breakage. Covering mirrors with sheets because the reflection is dangerous. Hiding underground is safe. Throwing open the doors and howling with the wind is deadly. Sickly, green sunlight only means more danger. Closing your eyes only means more conjecture. Craving the feel of raindrops on skin- Yet, exposure to the elements requires the ultimate offering. Sub-Consciousness and Reality hold each other tightly as the storm subsides. Never quite knowing which one will let go first. Scared of what may be lost or what may be forgotten. The wreckage is a necessary path to beginning again. Sorting through what you will have to live without and accepting what has been left until next time. 

Sensory

There are not names or faces for those that I write to. There are eyes on screens. Fingertips reaching.  

The end of my day seems to routinely culminate in exhaustion and aching awareness of each footstep taken. The last moments of active consciousness are typically spent planning the footsteps for tomorrow & the rest of the week. Subtle anxieties swirl in tune with my breath. Am I superficial? Am I manipulative? Am I too eager? Of course, alone here, I muster up the most change-provoking answer I can. Then, I imagine an immediate change in course. 

Today has been incredibly quantitative. 

Numbers exhibit a sense of preciseness. Something sharp and exact. Something that slices your hands as your grip gets right. Today showed me no dull edges. I've stayed engaged to the most of my abilities and that says something. You can't close your eyes when you are at risk of being shredded to pieces. 

Drafts of Me

It has been a while and I am sorry for that. My writing does not serve as just a place for others to possibly find a common ground, but for me, myself to find some sort of grip on the flurry of thoughts that consume my conscious days. 

Even now, as I open a new draft on my blog, I am reminded of the drafts that have yet to be completed since June. Maybe this one won't make it any further either. 

To describe my state of mind in the last few months, the allusion of merry-go-rounds come to fruition. My point in the world is fixed and rotating at the same time. And the world is spinning at a different rate. Everything moves slow and fast at the same time. This makes trying to focus on anything bring on an overwhelming sense of nausea. Not to mention, the lights are bright and colorful and changing- causing storms to erupt in the back of my brain. The laughter and music and conversation around me becomes a muddled groan. 

My instant reaction- Close your eyes. Shut them tight and hide your head. 

It is more than being overwhelmed. It is edging on assault. Every time I am open to it, life hits a crescendo that causes me to recoil. Sick to my stomach. Then, I leave it unedited and unfinished. Now, I have these moments chronologically listed and highlighted with a label that reads 'DRAFT'. Otherwise, unidentified. Possibly to be continued. 

Emotional

Yoga Sutra 2.10: The subtle states of the afflictions (Desire, Aversion & Fear) are destroyed with the dissolution of the mind. 

I would not say that I am the type to wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I definitely attract and cling to many emotions. I am an emotional lint-roller, perhaps. 

Emotions consume. They have needs and wants and they take what they require out of you an even a bit more to sustain themselves. When you place good feelings toward something, you want more and more of it. You grow in your desires and form a sense of greed. When you associate something with bad emotions, you shy away from it. It gets abandoned and you choose to starve yourself of it or even become scared of it.

In myself, I see a teeter-totter of emotional pull keeping me unsteady. I build attachments and expectations before I even experience. My view on the world is not naive, but more so child-like. Everything is colors and textures. I know what I want, but not always does the world feel or look like the ideas in my mind's eye. Emotional response is the only fall-back that makes immediate sense. From here, I am impulsive. This is a quality of an existence vested in the physical plane. A place where the body is an extension of the mind. 

True contentment comes from acknowledging the entire existence. Understanding the need to separate the body, mind and self; but also see them as the present. Contentment is being okay with what ever may. Not holding onto the things we can see or feel as if they are absolute. Contentment opens the door for experience. 

Right and Wrong

Today I had a random thought. (What is new?) I was thinking things that we classify as right and wrong. For the longest time, I have tried not to think of anything as right or wrong. Yet, fundamentally, I feel as if there is a distinction that must be addressed.

***As a disclaimer, I do not feel as if I have the authority to place my morals on another and declare their actions as falling into one category or another.***

There is definitely cause and there is definitely effect. Every action that is made has an effect. As we set intentions for the day, or even in a moment, our actions forward must coincide with that intention or else the desired effect will not be met. To that distinction, there is a value that is put on the actions we make. If it does not match the intention that we have set, then it is not the correct action. Likewise, if it does fall in line, then it is correct. Here, we have right and wrong. 

These values are set by ourselves. They are not meant to be judgments toward one another. They are meant to be evaluations of our actions in accordance with the standards we have set. 

Just something I was thinking about. Anyway. How are you? 

5.27.2015

I consistently feel as if I am in the realm of 'getting ready'. What exactly am I getting ready for? Beats me. 

The barrier between thought and implementation, for me, is confidence. I have opinions and wants and needs- but I am too timid to reach for them at times. This keeps all of these thoughts and ideas cooped up in my head. It is a funny thing. I know I have the power and knowledge to get where I want to be. Yet, I become discouraged by my own lack of confidence in myself. Before I try, I tell myself that I am not the one to do it. I am not the person that needs to put this out into the world. Yet, if not me, then who am I waiting for? 

We have all heard the quote, "Be the change you want to see in the world." 

That is exactly it. There is not time to sit and wait and hope someone else will get done what I need to get done. So, I am going to start getting things done. You should too. What are you wanting to get out of this whole deal? 

5.6.2015

Yoga Sutra 1.3 Then, the seer abides in his own nature. 

As we meditate, we delve into our deeper existence. We recognize that the body and mind are observable entities. We can also see that they are attributes that our being possesses. We are able to take these observances and recognize that we lie deeper still. Our natural state is separate from our physical and emotional existence. It is the awareness of the many layers one's being is encompassed in. Here it is imperative to note that in identifying with the physical or emotional body, we are not keeping true to ourselves. Also, having a body without imbalance and a calm mental disposition eliminates the obstacles that keep us from recognizing our natural state. 

In my journey to building an Ashtanga practice that I can find stability in, I have been studying the sutras as well as the vinyasas. I talk a lot about discipline (mostly to myself and my journals). Without having a discipline, a guiding light, it is hard to navigate through the thicket that is life. As I go through this journey, I want to highlight an analyze a few sutras as I come across them. I feel as if this may help others understand what the tradition of yoga I practice under really is. I also hope that possibly something in this may resonate with another being out there. Maybe my questions are the same as yours. 

The last few weeks have been trying. More and more I realize that I am causing a civil war within myself. I blame my body and the physical aspects of my world for the storms in my mind. I blame my mind for the dissatisfaction in my physical existence. In this destructive game of tug-of-war, the only thing that is being worn down is the rope. This rope, my natural state, does not belong to the body or mind. Rather the body and mind belong to it. Instead, I allow myself to let it lie dormant and tattered. 

As I go through this journey, I need to identify with my own nature, as I will never be content with anything else. This means treating every aspect of my physical life as something that needs to be taken care of and nurtured. This means allowing the mind to separate from the stimulation of the body and find a place of fluid silence. 

Diligence

The last few days or weeks, (its hard to tell as time runs together when you are exhausted) I can feel a decline in my personal health and happiness. My immunity has been low at best and my stomach is constantly in knots. This coupled with ebbing exhaustion, despite the amount of anxious sleep I get, has me unhinged. 

I am swimming through murky waters. 

This is a training weekend for my 200 hr certification as a Registered Yoga Teacher. These weekends always seem to put me in perspective. I imagine it is like what going to a church sermon is for some. Having discussion on schools of thought and learning about something that I can conceive as 'right' is therapeutic. We talk about the respect we must have for our bodies and our human condition. We talk about the respect we must have for others existing in the same plain. We talk about respecting tradition. Even when we are going through asana and just holding a posture, I feel lessons of diligence being etched into my bones and imprinted on my muscles. 

Diligence. That is what I lack. It is all too easy to let passions wain. I get caught up in things that are superficial to my overall being and let that side of me diminish. There is so much to be had when one is diligent in their efforts. 

Talking to a girl that is similar to me in passions, I realized something myself. We were talking about the over-arching need to gain something from an experience, yet not feeling the change in self once the experience has been had. Both of us can clearly see that we need change and continuously make linear efforts to achieve this change. Yet, we have no idea what the change is. Then what? What do you do when you know there is something to be done? Seeing myself and seeing the efforts I have taken to do the things I want to do and be the person I want to be, I realize that I am doing exactly what I need to do (Geez, what a mouth full) I feel frazzled because I am moving in all directions trying to get to a singular point. Instead I should be acknowledging that there is no single point. My efforts are placed exactly where they need to be, as I am working to become an expansive being. My mind craves knowledge on everything there is to offer. Why not pursue that? Telling myself that I have to pick one thing when I could potentially have it all is a disservice to my existence.  

Telling myself I am going about my efforts in the wrong way, I have tried to adjust and accommodate to some type of rigid path that does not allow me to grow any larger than I am. Keeping myself small, I have not been able to reach any type of clarity. Diligence is my new mantra. If there is ever a time to just go my way, it is now. Right now, my way is many ways. With diligence, I will get there. 

ReBranded- Wellness Coaching Details!

It has been a couple months. I know...

With the sun making more frequent appearances, I feel more inclined to be seen and heard. 

Since last time, I have made a small change in my schedules and business. Waiting tables was slowly but surely stealing my soul. Money gained from tips is typically awesome. Yet, working in a bar made me feel personally alienated. I smile and chat like the best of them, but there is something that is yet to be refined when it comes to my social skills in the bar scene. So, I bid that job adieu and now have a few more hours of free time in my life. Of course, any time I have free time, I feel incredibly off balance. So, I am also taking on new clients for Wellness Coaching. 

Wellness Coaching is a broad arena of health care. It covers anything and everything that can help one get to where they want to be physically and mentally. My expertise lies within Personal Fitness Training, Nutrition Counselling and Yoga Instruction. Therefore, I have combined these services in a way that allows anyone to take advantage of them. It is like an 'a la carte' approach. After an initial assessment, I will evaluate your personal goals and find a wellness solution that fits you. From there, we will work together to get you where you want to be! 

I am ready and eager for questions, so shoot me a message or fill out the form on the Wellness Coaching page and get started today!  

Feeling Lighter

At least once a week, I feel like I hit a wall. What am I doing? Why am I doing it? When do I have time? How does this effect my future? Who do I think I am? At least once a week I doubt every move I make, every task I take on and my own capabilities. I test myself with these five questions when I hit that point. For those few moments I feel a little bit worse about my position. Whether it is while I am at the cash register, buying hand-soap or finishing on-the-job training for a new job.  I can somehow take something trivial and equate it to how I am going to ruin my life. 

I am most-definitely a stress box. 

If there was not a word for it, I would not be able to explain my obsessive anxiety. When I try and say that I am not hard on myself, by parents like to mention a time in the not-so-distant past. I had just received final grades for a college course and while sobbing uncontrollably to them on the phone, I had also solidified my decision to change majors and universities all together. I literally changed the trajectory of my college career over a 'C'. Average is not a place I allow myself to reside. 

There are times where I can rationalize the immense pressure I put on myself. "If you didn't push yourself this hard, nobody would." Sometimes, this approach to life seems like the only option for me. My hours and days and weeks run together in a messy web of self-deprecation, sleep deprivation and stressful justification. There are days when I have a break. An hour or two that is all mine. Still, I'll devote it to taking on another task.  I look at my own body being crushed under the pressure I put on it and think of my stress fractures as battle wounds. The only person I am fighting with is myself.  During a day that is especially full of doubts and worry, the only question I refrain from asking myself is, "Is this worth it?" even though I know the answer. 

Over the last 6 months or so, I have been letting this question come to the surface and stay a little longer than usual. Following a time of extreme mental and physical wear and tear, (I literally ran myself into emergency medical care on two separate occasions.) this question was here to stay. My family, my current significant other and a small part of myself were giving this question more buoyancy. Soon, I had to start answering it. The tasks I have been taking on and the things I have been allowing myself to obsess over have been slowly but surely starting to fall into categories of 'Worth It' and 'Not'. Allowing myself to let a bit of this extra weight fall off my shoulders has been helping me feel lighter. My interests and passions are more instilled in the things that lift me up. More of my time is dedicated to the things that keep me above the water. 

This is something I felt like I needed to think about and share. Over the last few weeks especially (and now to find - the next year going forward) I have been (and will be) sacrificing more and more time to the things that add the pressure to not let my warrior-self down. While there are things that I cannot avoid in life and in my journey through this life, I can always take a little solace in knowing the worth of my stress.

Maybe another stressed soul out there has not asked themselves this question in a while also. So I just wanted to make sure I asked.

Whatever is weighing you down- Is it worth it?